Spring Cleaning as though nothing matters the way you thought it did

I see old people

Apart from making the difficult choices of what not to eat during lent I decided to get a jump on the Vernal Equinox and get a head start on the Spring cleaning. There are a host of websites crammed with pretty much the same advice on how to have an effective cupboard that speaks to you in a German accent.

Teaching despite its blatant lie of keeping you young, quite literally sucks the life out of you until those blessed days called the holidays. Despite me loving my job I can't fathom why at the end of each term I look a little more like Benjamin Button at the start of the film. But then again, being able to dress up as Ernest Shackleton in order to drive home how tough the life of an explorer was and how eating Happy Feet was an acceptable choice - nothing does quite beat that. Even if it is accelerating my walnut-like appearance at warp speed. Teaching is also refreshing in that no matter what you do or how you dress you are always old to your kids. Just varying degrees of oldness that ranges vaguely from their parent's age right up to death. It is a cruel and blunt view from their little worlds, but it is the perfect way to look at your cupboard.  

The ties and memories we attach to clothing is interesting. After rummaging my way through to

You don't say! You ran how far?

a back corner on a high shelf I came across items so archaic that I felt briefly like Professor Leakey did. Initially I was thrilled. But then quite why I needed to keep a t-shirt from a skiing trip when I was a sweaty 20 something or the diving trip in Thailand is beyond me. If you have something similar and if you have any friends, you would already have told them about the trip - several times. Wearing the same Thai Divers Do It Better t-shirt 10 for years should be ringing some alarm bells anyway. Athletes are even worse hoarders than the common man. Not only is it a way for our clothing to say what we have done but also what we like to think it says about us.

Ménage a trois much?

I finally decided to chuck out all of my carefully collected ironman branded clothing. I have been far too embarrassed to wear any of it for several years anyway. Nothing puts me off triathlon more than seeing other triathletes nowadays. Do you really have to look as though you are going to Kona every Saturday morning? I see them every weekend, primped and preened, deep sections and every now and then an aero-helmet makes it on to the group the ride.

I like to think that I was there before the whole thing became so gloriously self obsessed  and it was about surviving an event so epic that one day a fairy tale would be written about you. I am deluding myself of course because it was a pretty wanky thing to do back then. But if you are a triathlete and you haven't already inked yourself declaring yourself one then at the very least every item of casual attire requires the holy trifecta of some sort. 'Swim, Bike, Run' or 'eat, sleep, tri' or 'tri tri tri', anything that has a number of three in is acceptable. All logos also have to incorporate three squiggles that denote the three sports that mean you devote a third of your income to your obsession, a third of your waking hours are spent doing these three sports and finally that you are most likely the third person in a relationship because your other half is seeing someone else whilst you slavishly keep something made out of carbon more company than you are them.

Tight like a tiger

Trail runners are a different breed too. At least the European version. They are quite easy to spot. They are the only people wearing more Lycra than a cyclist but with no bike.  Quite why everything needs to be compressed and wobble free is beyond me. Calves, thighs, arms, torso. Trail runners from outside Europe have that troubled Neolithic look of not quite knowing how to deal with the latest step in the trail running evolution because looking good in the woods never used to matter. Mention 'Banjo' and 'Woods' to anyone and you'll understand why folk instinctively try to not look appetizing on trail. I used to clomp around in the heaviest of trail shoes ever because they were comfortingly similar to my hiking boots. I know my cheese when it comes to shoes now, but I draw the line at white compression lycra.

Looking a little loose, retro and puzzled. 

Getting a WODy on

Crossfitters too have their own clothing tribal rules to follow. Whether people really do wear the workout clothes that ones sees on Facebook I am not sure. With Amazonian women wearing a mix of Japanese school girl outfit yet more figure hugging than a cheerleader's outfit then I can see why it is one the fastest growing 'sports'. I went to a crossfit training session once.  I made the mistake of commenting that Crossfit was just like what they used to call circuit training in the old

Adding a caption is unnecessary I think. 

days. I can still hear the hush descend on the room. As a foreigner and a redhead I often feel very conspicuous living in Greece. If my blasphemous comments didn't help I clearly didn't get the clothing memo either. Compression socks are de rigeur, compression tights under loose shorts denote a higher level of commitment. Whatever shirt you wear has to show off the guns and if you have no guns your t-shirt has to at least have the the words 'sweat' and 'swing', 'iron balls' and 'WOD' and maybe 'hard' emblazoned somewhere. It all makes the volleyball game in Top Gun seem very butch.

See what I am talking about? If you want to do less and suck more go buy the t-shirt

Sometimes your clothing says too much about you. If you are faced with a cupboard filled with memories and can't bear to part ways with anything - always remember; you look old no matter what you wear.

Taking this cleaver-like approach to your clothing is the only way. Empty your shelves and go buy that bow-tie that you have always wanted.